Why Open Relationships Don't Work

Made famous by Facebook, the term "open relationship" is used by shallow people in denial of their own whoreditude who need a sense of emotional security while avoiding mutual exclusivity. These relationships always end badly and leave the formerly abused children to slit their wrists while listening to Mindless Self Indulgence.

Many people might think that since the word "relationship"is contained that some kind of commitment is implied. Many people would be wrong. I sleep with random people all the time. It's called being single. There really isn't a difference here.

Anybody who subscribes to this kind of relationship has various, and ultimately bullshit, reasoning for it. There's the argument that humans are not monogamous creatures by nature. I can bite on that. However, we are jealous and territorial by nature. People get jealous when their significant others talks to someone else at a bar. You mean to tell me you're now okay with them shagging someone else?

Then there's the justification for it because there are "rules" attached to it. No sleeping with the same person more than once. We only do it when it's on vacation. We give up monogamy for Lent, and so forth. Most of these so-called couples also have the stipulation that they don't tell their partner if they do stray. I'm sorry, but if I close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ear, it means that I don't want to hear it, and therefore, I'm really not okay with it.

There are also the couples that claim they only play together. When considering frequent threesomes, there's always one person in the relationship who wants it, and the other one that's drunk and on Vicoden at 10:00 in the morning in preparation for it. Threesomes typically end with two satisfied people, and a third party crying alone at a Taco Bell at 3:00 am.

In my opinion, this is the most dangerous form of open relationship. I've destroyed at least four relationships through participating in threesomes. It's inevitable. I connect with one person more than the other, we go at it, the other partner gets X'd out of the picture, he gets pissed because his boyfriend doesn't look that happy when they're having sex alone, and jealousy takes place. There have been times when screaming matches take place within seconds of my exiting the apartment.

Relationships are sacred, and should be treated as such. They take work. They take time and effort, but the rewards are invaluable. Until I meet someone who deserves that much attention, to use that infamous Sex and the City quote: I will see whomever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel.