Ever since I came out of the closet, I've wanted to be in a relationship. Not settle down, mind you, but the idea of a partner always seemed appealing because it would be like having a built in friend, travel companion and drinking buddy.
One night stands never came easily. My rural college campus in Ohio had about 12 openly gay men, none of whom were the least bit fuckable. I spent my time converting DL rugby players and musicians instead, but these hook-ups never lead to sex. Once penetration came into play, my body completely froze up and extreme pain shot across my body. Half the time I couldn't even finish, and those times when I could were far from satisfying. It was only when with a lover that this didn't occur. Completely psychosomatic.
Cue to last November. I was prescribed an anti-depressant medication for multiple reasons. "One of the possible side effects is a loss of interest in sex," my doctor said. "Of course, that's not an acceptable trade-off, so let me know if that happens and we'll switch to something else."
Cue to last December, after fucking five people over the course of a month. "I think the opposite issue is happening," I said to my doctor. "It feels like I'm in heat."
Whether this is a medication issue or simply becoming more comfortable with myself remains unclear. The only thing that was certain is that I became sex-crazed. The self-made stigma attached with one night stands went out the window. Introductions to threesomes came into play. Then light sadomasochism (ie cigarette burn on my back). My total number of partners skyrocketed, as did my confidence in my own sexual performance.
Cue to last month. For the first time in my life, I truly enjoyed being single. Then it happened.
Boyfriend material.
We hit it off on our first date. He's funny, opinionated, and incredibly sweet. I threw him questions and he knocked them out of the park. He knew how to playfully push my buttons. He called when he said he would. This continued on through dates 2 and 3.
Yet every time the dates ended, the walls would come up on the long walk home. I'm not ready for this. I can already see the finish line.
There had to be a reason for this. Fear? Self-sabotage? Do I not want to be in a relationship right now?
The bottom line is that there's so much I want to do in the way of traveling and exploring, and that takes top priority now. I don't want to have to answer to anyone. Of course, I'm still open to intimacy and relationships, but anything that gets in the way of that simply needs to be removed for now.
I know exactly what you mean by that. Some throw up the argument: But we can do that together.
ReplyDeleteOfcourse you can do it together but it's the rest of the package called commitment that's too heavy to carry around.