Sperm Banks Will Reject You Because You're Gay. Seriously.

I'm hardly a gay rights activist. I think the National Day of Silence is ridiculous and that pride parades, or at least the one in NYC, are just an excuse for queens to have a daytime circuit party. That being said, once I discovered that I wouldn't be allowed to donate my sperm because I'm gay, it was incredibly offensive, even more so because nobody seems to be either aware of this or willing to address it.

The premise of donating to a sperm bank is simple. You walk into your local bank, head into a private room full of porn, and masturbate into a cup. The process of being selected to do that isn't so simple. It's a several month procedure that involves full-blown physical examinations, a mental evaluation, drug testing, blood work, obtaining the medical history of all immediate family members, and a lengthy interview process. Once you're selected, you are usually still required to do monthly blood work to test for illicit drug use or STD's.

After getting past all of that, the pay is pretty decent. You're paid $100 for each sample, and typically come in three times per week. An extra $15,000 over the course of a year to do something I'd be doing anyway sounded pretty nice.

I logged on to the websites for a few of these sperm banks and was immediately rebuffed by one. In addition to being over 5'9", between the ages of 19-40, and having a college degree or currently working towards getting one, California Cryobank lists one of its basic requirements for donors as exclusively female sexual partners.

Second try. Filled out the online application for Repro Lab Inc. and was rejected by e-mail. They said that I did not meet FDA regulation requirements, but because of their company policy, could not disclose the specific ways that I did not meet these requirements. The New York Sperm Bank also sent me an e-mail saying the same thing.

This seemed bizarre. I'm in perfect health, have a college degree, and apart from my grandmother developing dementia when she was in her early 80s, have no unsettling illnesses in my immediate family. To be fair, I also lied about not smoking pot on the application (although if they selected me, I would be willing to quit). The only part of my application which I responded "yes" to was if my sexual partners in the last 5 years were male.

After a little more digging, it turns out that the FDA has actually implemented these rules, recommending that any man who has engaged in gay sex within the last 5 years be barred from serving as an anonymous sperm donor. Even if you don't have HIV or any other STD and meet all the other requirements. They insist that gay men have a higher than average risk of carrying the AIDS virus. They also haven't publicly commented on the matter since saying that.

Even though these are recommendations from the FDA and not laws, sperm banks generally adhere to them. Although a woman who wants a sperm sample from a gay man can still request and obtain it, and it's not considered a felony to lie about your sexual history during the interview process, donors can be flat out rejected because they've had gay sex.

This is offensive to me for a variety of reasons. It's insane that a straight man who has sex with HIV-positive prostitutes could qualify as a sperm donor, but a gay man in a monogamous relationship would not. Secondly, this is a decision that has no scientific basis. Thirdly, even if you've had gay sex, they test you constantly for HIV and other diseases while you're donating, after you've passed the rigorous initial screening, which makes the chances of a positive sample basically zero.

Shouldn't the screening process be based on sexual behavior and not sexual orientation? Disqualify people who have used drugs intravenously, or have had unprotected sex with an HIV positive person/someone who doesn't know their status.

The notion that you protect people by putting gay men out of the pool is quite bothersome to me. It's basically saying that we're something to fear, or that all of us engage in risky, unsafe sex.

So since I can't donate my sperm, does anybody reading this want it? I offer a reduced rate.

Koala Bears and Sperm Donors

The accompanying photo is of the individual that I dated for most of this year.

No, I didn't actually date a koala. (And before anyone says anything, I know that koalas are marsupials and not bears. It was a pet name. Fuck off). However, he pretty much resembles one. He looks incredibly cute and cuddly, but in reality, is an aggressive, moody little fucker that sleeps for 20 hours a day.

We first dated in the summer of 2009. Things were going well, but he abruptly ended the relationship. Several months later, he was in a better head-space and we gave it a second try this spring.

It was exciting for a bunch of reasons. In addition to being my first relationship in well over five years, the second go-round was far better than the first one, a rare event for couples who decide to give it another try. He even met my family, who loved him (although privately urged me to convince him to remove the Dennis Rodman style nosering that he sports).

Alas, the relationship ultimately fizzled last month, through no fault of our own and about as well as it could have. We have always been extremely affectionate towards each other, but somewhere along the way, the passionate part of the relationship subsided. It was like cuddling with your best friend. This was confusing for both of us since we always enjoy spending time together and still found each other physically appealing. The fact that I find someone who is 5'4" and socially awkward (by his own admission) to be sexually attractive is probably something that I should be on a couch for anyway, but that's neither here nor there.

In the end, we mutually decided that the parts of our relationship we enjoyed the most could still be done as friends, but that it didn't necessarily translate into a romance. This would be fine if we were in our 70s, or lesbians, but we're both too young to settle for that. So he still comes over and spends the night. We still roll out of bed at noon, grab a slice of pizza and watch the Golden Girls. We just don't have sex. And somehow, it works. Not only does it work, but it actually makes more sense for now.

Since then, I've gone on a couple of one-and-done dates, but the idea of starting something up again isn't very appealing right now. And after experiencing the highs of the relationship, the idea of whoring around Brooklyn isn't very appealing either (give it a couple of weeks, though).

The plan for now is just to be alone. But if I'm not spreading my seed, it certainly shouldn't go to waste. In the interest of extra cash (and frankly, just good blog entries), I recently applied to be a sperm donor. I'll be sure to keep you posted on how that process goes.