I had a great discussion on dating and sex with my parents the other day. Our relationship has become extremely close in recent times and over the last year, I’ve begun to see them as an invaluable resource on this topic, more so than my friends. They’ve each been divorced once before, and have now been married together for over 30 years. They’ve been through the worst elements of a relationship, as well as the best. They’ve experienced firsthand why a relationship fails, and why it succeeds. The idea of discussing personal issues with your parents is an uncomfortable thought for a lot of people, but simply based on an extra 40-45 years of life experience, they’ve been around the dating block more than anyone else I know. Why wouldn’t you take advantage of that?
I’ve been dating someone for a little over a month and while it’s going quite well for the most part, we move at two different speeds. He gets into the cold pool feet first, then knees, then legs. I just dive in. When he told most of his long-term relationships usually involved 4-6 months of dating first before getting to that point, my stomach dropped. It already felt like I was moving at a crawl. You mean to tell me I’ve now got to move slower than this?
By nature, I’m an extremely driven person. I know what I want and go after it. It’s this quality that has been invaluable in my career, but a hindrance in my personal life. If I see the potential that a dating scenario has or how it might not work out, I inevitably think two steps ahead and play out those best case/worst case scenarios, rather than remain present and focus on where we are now.
Either way, this still felt like it was too slow. Wouldn’t you just know after a couple of months whether or not something was going to work out?
My dad listened calmly, taking this all in. He falls under the talks the least/says the most category, while my mom just blurts out whatever comes to her head. (Clearly, you can see which side I take after).
“What are you rushing to?” my dad asked.
A simple enough question, but one I didn’t have a straight answer to. Silence. I picked up my beer.
“The difference between a couple of months versus four or five months is, in the big picture, not important,” my dad said. “You’re both young enough to take the time to let this build up. You’re obviously looking for something of substance. Wouldn’t you rather take the extra time to make absolutely sure you’re going to get that, rather than jump into something and live through it after?”
Ultimately, he’s right. As easy as it is to blame a bad dating history on the city you live in or the people you’re involved with, sometimes you have to look at your own patterns. My last relationship was as a freshman in college, and if I knew then what I know now, it would have never even entered that point. Either way, freshman year of college was a lifetime ago. Apart from this current situation, I haven’t dated anybody else for longer than a month since then. Maybe I’m the idiot.
If I want to have the adult relationship that I so crave, perhaps it’s time to approach dating in a more adult manner and look more inward.
