First Date Etiquette

In the infamous words of Chris Rock, "When you're dating somebody early on, you're not dating them. You're dating their representative."

For the most part, we all put our best foot forward in the initial stages of a dating situation. I certainly don't mention this blog or my past sexual escapades to a potential suitor, figuring it will all come out in the wash if it needs to. There's also the simple fact that if you throw all your cards on the table too quickly, eventually you run out of things to talk about.

Then, there are the situations where it feels mutually appropriate to become revealing, and the other person takes it WAY too far, to the point where you never quite look at that person the same way again.

I dated somebody this winter, who, well-intentioned as they may be, committed that ultimate cardinal sin. We had been going out for a couple of weeks when, after a night of drinking, he asked me what the worst thing I had done to somebody in retaliation was.

It's not in my nature to lie, but I also didn't want to scare this guy off. In the end, I decided that honesty was the best policy and to tell him.

I lived with a guy who I had been dating for about a year, and eventually we broke it off. He started bringing a new boyfriend to the apartment shortly after, who was a total asshole to me despite the fact that this was clearly not a competition. After moving out of the apartment, I got drunk one night and decided to take action. I got a box, went into the bathroom, shat in it, and mailed it (with a fake return address) to this individual. Inside the box was a note from me that said, "I heard you have an eating disorder. Eat this."

Luckily, he thought this was funny. Unfortunately, his story wasn't quite as amusing. As nervous as I was about telling my story, his vindictiveness trumped mine by a long shot.

"I dated a guy for three years and he dumped me by fax," he said. "CBS letterhead fax. And then I found out he had been cheating on me with more than one person for the last six months of our relationship."

"That's horrible," I said. "So what did you do?"

"I got him deported out of the country," he said with a straight face.

"WHAT?!"

"My uncle is a judge," he explained. "I had him look over his papers and he had been in the country for a year longer than he was supposed to without renewing his paperwork, so I had him kicked out."

I sat there incredulously as he took his drink off the table.

"It's the only way these faggots are gonna learn," he said, taking a swig of his beer.

If a friend were telling me this story, it would be the funniest thing ever. However, when a potential boyfriend tells you this, it's slightly more horrifying. I have no desire to be booted from the States. Needless to say, it eventually fizzled from there.